Yesterday Still Bleeds

Photo: Thupancic

Three of us recently investigated two wings of an abandoned state hospital in Northern California. At this particular site, a couple of the old buildings are still wide open. We only planned to run a couple of EVP sessions and didn’t expect much; after all, this place has been empty a long, long time. Everything started quietly; and then, without warning, we all noticed that the mood shifted and became dark and brooding. Most, if not all paranormal investigators are very familiar with this phenomenon. You start out innocently enough, asking questions, soaking up the atmosphere, and then something changes. It can only be described as a kind of emotional shadow that descends upon everyone and creates a tension, as if someone were looking at you intently, but you can’t see them. That “someone” can be very confused, angry, unhappy and possibly violent. Then comes the long process of determining if you are in the presence of a residual or intelligent entity, or if the negativity of the site itself is impressing itself upon your mind and invading your feelings. Sometimes, it’s a combination of many phenomena that are difficult to disentangle.

That evening, the sun was dwindling and the air cooling quickly. What we felt at a certain point was not simply the physical change in the atmosphere due to the time of day; it was more insidious and powerful than that. A relative of mine had spent time at this particular state hospital, decades ago; she still won’t discuss details of her experience and only occasionally will she make a reference to her time there. From the few stories that she shared with me, this was a monstrous place where abuse of all kinds was not only tolerated, but allowed to proliferate unchecked. Therefore, I feel a certain connection to this hospital on a personal level. I want to know exactly what happened in these wards, but at the same time, it’s painful knowledge that I would prefer to avoid. All three of us have done research into the hospital’s past and have read personal accounts of patients’ treatment. All of us know that coming here is not only risky, but potentially harmful. What draws us back is the uncertainty, the mystery, the question: can we help anyone left behind?

Before I attempt to answer that question, let me return to our EVP session. Sometimes, I formulate mental questions instead of verbal ones if I am seeking a personal answer. The question I launched into the darkening hallways was this: did you know my relative, and what happened to her here? Within moments, a tidal wave of unbidden emotion hit me, and I started sobbing. Suddenly, I knew everything I ever wanted to know about this hospital and the fate of many of the patients here. One after another, visual images assaulted me; although I don’t feel comfortable describing the specifics of what I saw, I can say that subsequent research confirmed everything that was impressed upon my mind. I gradually stopped crying, but I remain affected by this experience to this day, and I will never forget it. Lest you all think that this is typical for me, allow me to correct that notion: I have never, ever cried on an investigation before. I also have never been bombarded by visual images that I could later verify.

I was not the only one to feel such emotion that day. Later, in a different wing, Marsha was overcome with a sense that something was wrong, that someone was watching us from behind one of the multiple doors in that hall. I’ve never seen her so visibly uncomfortable and troubled. She looked over her shoulder as if waiting for someone to pounce. Finally, she asked if we could leave. Marsha has never been the one to make such a request. She is the brave one, the person I would turn to in case of emergency or crisis. She is courageous to the bone. When Marsha wants to leave, something is seriously wrong. Of course, we left; our rule is always to respect the instincts of a PHW sister, no questions asked. No one ever leaves alone. Marsha’s head began to throb as we walked out, and she ended up with a debilitating headache for hours afterward. Other odd things happened to her, as well: she was continuously receiving flashing, mental images of the hospital after she left and felt warned never to return.

Our third PHW was unaffected by our investigation, although she certainly has had very emotional experiences before. During an EVP session in the Vickers Estate, (Pierpont Inn) she felt strong emotions and cried, all the while knowing that those feelings were not originating in her. For whatever reason, these impressions and their resultant effect on one’s psyche do not affect all of us at the same time or in the same place. The emotional impact of so-called ‘ghost hunting’ has not been explored sufficiently. The aftermath of this investigation was quite profound. Marsha has decided never to return to those buildings or any others that create such upheaval.

As for me, I have not necessarily ruled out another investigation at this site, but I am not sure what else there is to be learned. I felt then and now that all of my questions were answered, and fully. I don’t know if specific identities are trapped there, but certainly their pain, confusion and despair are trapped there; is there really any reason to expose myself to such misery again? There is no way to help those who left there long ago, or who died there. My theory is that those souls abandoned this place at some point, leaving behind them only trauma. That trauma has burned itself into the walls and echoes throughout the hallways, and will repeat painful episodes from the past forever and ever. So yes, this site will always be haunted; but not necessarily by souls or spirits trapped there, but by history, memory, and overwhelming emotion. I was allowed to feel all of that for a few moments. This small window into one of the saddest places on Earth was only a brief glimpse into what was and is, for so many, an eternal torment.

Below are two EVPs from this investigation with an explanation of the circumstances surrounding them.

Jan 1 2012 crying

I thought about not including this clip, since it shows me at my most vulnerable and raw. However, I decided to post this because it shows how deeply one can be affected on an investigation, and how seriously the environment can impact our emotions. There is the sound of crying down the hallway right before Marsha says, “did you hear that?”

Jan 1 2012 give us a sign

There is a response to Marsha’s question, “could you give us a sign by closing the door”. If anyone can decipher the response, we would certainly appreciate it!

—Kirsten A. Thorne, Ph.D./PHW